Beyond the Door : Cave Diving - Lisa Phoenix

Sheer adrenaline has carried me this far, but now at the threshold i hesitate. Tendrils of loss and longing tug at me, and i tell myself i cannot go forward.

At times like this i've reached for my touchstone: learning to skydive; swinging myself out into the wind, hanging on... letting go. Trusting the sky to support me, learning again that i am not alone. A smile at memories of trying to catch my breath before the rush snatched it right out of my lungs, of the bright darkness of the fall, of relaxing into the vast embrace of the air... flying!

You'd think, if i could voluntarily jump out of an airplane, find the joy in it, i'd never be afraid of anything again, right?

Wrong.

i am always afraid. The blank page is a wilder dive than any i've ever done...

...i try to make out what might be awaiting me within the cave, beyond the green fringes of spanish moss and lichens dressing salt-and-pepper granite warming in the sun, but there is only silent darkness. i wonder again if i'm in the right place.

i feel something brush lightly past and see my dog Wiley skirting ahead. At the edge of darkness she pauses for only the briefest of moments to smile at me over her shoulder, and then disappears into the unknown within.

What can i do but follow?

Inside it is very cool, and black as pitch: i cannot see my hand held before my face. Confused, i turn, looking for the entrance, but somehow the cave has closed it's mouth, without so much as a clash of it's granite teeth, and is now in the process of swallowing me. i call softly to Wiley and am encircled by echoes; my voice returned to me sounds small and unsteady; my dog does not come back.

i stand still, not knowing what to do. i smell earth, and stone, and i feel my heart beating in my chest, thrumming in my ears.

Then i see a tiny light. A firefly, a dancing ember. The light approaches and hovers before me, no bigger up close than a single candle flame, radiating no heat and clearly alive. i try to see the form within the tiny but brilliant nimbus but it's too bright. The light moves slowly away and i follow.

i find i am walking through space: surrounded by shining spiral galaxies and novae, multi-colored clouds lit from within. i see stars being born and dying.

My companion and i turn deeper into the earth and i am no longer conscious of walking, but rather floating. Swimming around me are translucent, luminous jellyfish, majestically revolving as the galaxies before them.

From somewhere deeper still i hear voices and laughter; my guide and i turn in the direction of these sounds and glide onward toward them...

i whisper supplications to myself:

i am not alone.
The depths of earth will shelter me.
The Muse smiles on those who embrace mystery, and blesses those who step into the unknown.

but i'm no longer afraid: i can feel the warmth of the welcome coming to meet me.